Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Adolescence - New Beginning? (Part 3.2)

There's a lot of event took place when I was moving around, wonder if I should break them down into more sub-parts, and believe me when you are trying to look back again like tracing every bits down memory lane, you will feel sick cracking your head. Flashes of memories keep coming back, like rewinding the tape, familiar faces but nameless, or forgotten.


Nevertheless, I am going to finish this.


Recalling the day when I moved down to Penang was the day before my mother flew to the States. And before I did, "Ah Boy, mummy's going to US tomorrow. Will send you to Penang's Salvation Army, ok? Don't worry, ma will call you when I reach there..." That was the last thing she said before flying off. I mean even if she could had told me earlier or even care to ask for my permission whether I will be alright if she needs to be somewhere far for a long time, I was speechless, I don't know what to say to her, couldn't be bothered where things began to emerge problematic to me at the new place. Before she manage to list me the reasons, I already know everything for the best or at least for the better change of living myself and hers.


After the first year there, she had a boyfriend that anxiously wanted to marry her, but it all became a total disappointment almost disaster, US was booming with constructions, buildings, developments and it happened that Uncle Charlie, my mum's bf's company was the leading company that held many major projects in that area, caught in the never-ending projects and plans, highest turnover ever happened in that year that even Uncle Charlie had to work on Christmas hols which was supposedly their wedding.


The pewter frame I've sent, hoping they would place their wedding photo in it, it turned that the effort was in vain. Nevertheless, I told mum that she can put whoever she wants as long as she's happy after that.

Well, sipping my Cappuccino at Starbucks listening to gay anthems, continue writing my past, yeah I admit it took ages to complete my post as well as reading it so, what I wanna do now is, just let it flow or I will write it impromptu, like when I'm now cruising at hunks at Starbucks suddenly remind me of something in the past...



Where were we, ohh yea I was transferred to Penang, The Pearl of the Orient. Guess what, the moment i stepped into my new room, my junior (the one I used to play with, in the previous chapter, let's just label him as Tony Toy) was standing just right in front of me staring out of the window. He turned and smiled, "Welcome home, my lover, btw I was watching you walking to the lobby, as i thought back about our past I suddenly started to feel things coming back to me." I didn't ask why or what, trying to divert the conversation, I was hesitating then, "When did you moved up here? I didn't know you were transferred too."

"Did your brother moved with ...uhmm you..." failed to finish the line, he pushed me towards the wall, hands in my pants, "Yeah, let's do this again, shall we?"

Then and there again, oppss I did it again.

Something came to me before I came to Penang, bugging me, the new beginning, gotta do something about it, a new start, right!

Was telling myself that I have to get rid of this "habit" Stop preying on others and stop being preyed. Could I get thru without it?

it was haunting me like nightmares, even worse, getting up just after the guardian finish checking the rooms, going to the same bed just to be pleased and getting back to bed, it had became a routine to me.

Apparently, this "new beginning" didn't work well did it? Better, I would say :)

In fact, I never stop praying to God after what I did all these years. Even after every heart throbbing sex I savoured, I prayed to God, asking for forgiveness, send me the salvation, the redemption. In the other hand, I became the possibly worst two faced guy I could be during those years. I was very strong in church, in the sense of committing myself to God, be the ministry of God, spreading gospel to the people, community and in the toilets downstairs in the church I would be doing the pounding, banging and yelled "Hallelujah! Praise the Lord!" How's that gonna grant me the salvation?



Still remember we always stayed over in the corps during every weekends, for the sermon prep, worship practises and Sunday School activities prep. So we don't have to travel back and forth from our home to the corps. I used to do that with Tony Toy, 'cos he's one of the musician, playing the acoustic guitar. I was the lead singer and the leader of the worship. Tony toy's brother, All-Rounder Rev (ARR), plays the keyboard.

At times we would sneak into the toilet during bedtime just after ARR went to sleep. God knows all the pounding and banging all that years gave me the inspiration to preach in Sunday School.

There's a book in the Bible - Jonah, I was named after that. Recalling the story about a holy man ran away from God and was swallowed by a big fish sent by God, after 3 days and 3 nights of repentant, he was released and he went back to his people to continue the ministry of God. Wondered I will be swallowed too, many came to convince me, advice, even had stand thru a 3 hour of counselling. It never work on me.

Guess what, may be He should be sending some cute face with broad chest pastor to get me back on track rather than wasting my time sitting in front of old, arrogant and ignorant seniors with their pestering lectures.

Time really flies, before I could recall the events in the home, I made connections in the school too, we proudly called it "Ong Family" same and lame as my surname it could be just like I inherited it from my selfish father.

It actually represents our "sistahood" during high school. I managed to blend in in the new school, and even joined a family! We have 10 uhmm wait... 11 of us?

I am the second, proven by our birthday. The first is working in KL like me, in some big company, have our own life. The rest, scattered, 2 in Singapore, 3 still in Penang, 1 lost after all these years we have not been keeping in touch, apparently this lost one didn't make it up to us and a few other. Well, the ones I mentioned were the closest to one another, we will hold a CNY gathering back in our hometown, my 2nd hometown, Penang. We would party all night, watch movies, go to karaoke, and not forgetting sipping our ice blended while cruising at hot studs in Gurney Plaza.
Well, that was the happy times we had...

Come back to reality, am now having my lunch in one of the Svenz Kopitiam in Sunway, Butterworth with a hot guy beside me...wonder if he could be the one...

Monday, July 21, 2008

Adolescence - The Forbidden Love (Part 3.1)

One day in school during recess, a pat on my shoulder, "Are you gay? Coz I am too ya know, come hang out som...". I was asked by one of my junior. "Uh..err...No! I'm not! What are you? Freak? Get away please." Among other friends and classmates, I could not afford to admit it at that moment. I was freaking scared, there was blank in my mind, food tasted blanch and tongue numb. Eyes were rolling, could not focus or concentrate.
A guy who was sitting beside me, stood up "Hey! Doncha understand? Back off or I will..." one of my best friend, Khai defended for me. "We gonna be late for class if you continue to freeze like that pal." Without hesitation, gulped whatever in front of me down my throat. "Ah..hem...alright...let's go back..." inhale rapidly "Hey...Khai, thanks buddy".
"You...alrigh..." quickly responded "Yeah! am fine, of cos i am, would you ever think I am, gay?!"
Khai's arm on my shoulder, "Yea, I will let you eat my fist of rage if you were..ahhhaaha"

Khai's one of my best buddy in the class, in fact my favorite pal, we did things together, played basketball, volleyball, handball, I was second after him in 100 metres run, we even team in 4x100 metres. He was tall, tan and toned kinda sunshine guy in the school. Girls were crazy about him, cheering for him during sports day. I was a bit jealous about that.
He was the only guy that I shared everything else but not the werewolf living inside me. He made me feel I was normal among them, in school, with classmates. It sounded a bit like my bodyguard or tai lou (big brother) to others but we were really like brothers. I never had a brother before until I met him, he made me felt I was part of the family.
"I mustn't let him know who's the real ME, in that way I will continue to be his best buddy, most importantly, his 'love'..." whisperer in my mind...
I was selfish even I pretended as a straight guy in school, when it comes to sharing him. I will always be in the same team with him whenever we have class projects, sports or events.
I remembered, we became prefects together in Form 2.

I never get in the volleyball team, he was representing the school in the national competition, with other seniors and one of them, his own brother. No wonder I hated the coach so much.
Always stop by the hostel to watch them practise after school. The court was in front of the male hostel.
He and other buddies collected money and bought me a volleyball, couldn't recall the brand, something like 'Spal----' branded and good quality. My first ever birthday party, in his house, dishes cooked and prepared by his mom...tears were rolling down, was a real moment where I almost wanted to commit to him. But, I did not. Something was holding me back, dilemma was arise and questions in my head. I put them aside and for everybody sake, I didn't ruin the party.
Sometimes, he was over-protected about me, may be he knew I was the only child in my family and am staying alone with no relatives or parents around. Consequently, I thought we were in love or even couple / partners, having our youthful time, boyish and innocent play. I would never forget that in my whole life, we never have our first kiss though LOL. He would kill me off the scene already.

I so wish that I complete secondary school with him, unfortunately I needed to transfer to Penang when I turned 15 years old. Heart broken though, he was sad too. We couldn't help it. My mum has to go to the US and I had no choice but to move down to be closer to my hometown, Alor Setar.
We are still friends until now, though not much communication going on but in our hearts we know we cherish one another right, Khai?
"I love you Khai, and will always do."
Guess that's the furthest we can go, relationship that I can only dream of and the forbidden love.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Pride or Prejudice? (Part 2)

...I couldn't bear the mind that my mum was leaving me alone in this world of strangers, 50 pairs of eyes staring at me. I cried myself to sleep for nights, I stood still in the shower for hours, thinking what did I do wrong and end up in this place.
I did not ask my mum for the answer, but I found out it will be more mature for me to find the answer myself, how? At the age of 10? It's ridiculous. Life had to move on, things had to be done.
I found things that made me sober...the bond with my mum, the cheerfulness in the eyes of the other children, the guidance of the guardians, the comfort of having everyone beside to warm you up and etc, from all the things above...I found my answer why was I here. Many things came in to form the answer: my education, upbringing, learn to be independent, manners, religion, social life and so on, that includes how I become "People Like You", it's deep, it was like going through a full time course, a whole package that makes you a PhD or what-sorta-thing. It's not like you pick up a trick or two from the street. It needs time to nurture to become the person you are.
So, I began to realize I need to lead this life, I built networks, make many new friends on the way...
I picked things up pretty fast, at the age of 12 I was...alright, I go back a little just 2 years before, I admit I got harassed by seniors, I was keen to know how they do it there, are they the same as my cousins, do they need it, I wanted to know practically everything about it. I was as much curious as every virgin or newbie or whatever you called it even after I have some pre-experiences at my home.
I didn't really had my first full male-to-male sex at the age of 10 exactly, but we will come to that in a bit. Just read about what happened to me when I was sent to this home - The Salvation Army Boy's Home, Tambun, Ipoh.
The reason I never mention what happened to my family is I don't want to repeat it here, or I should say it has nothing worth for me to talk about, not because it has nothing to do with what I am today, but I want people to read about me and me alone. I gave enough information about my family, it was plain but it is enough.
OK, I was one of the outstanding boys in the home, very proud to say that, I also performed well in my grades in school, teachers, guardians and everyone like me. I was strongly involving myself in Christianity. Learning the bible, giving testimonies every week in the chapel or church. Took up organ by ear. Teaching dance or performances for special event and celebrations. Leading worships and translating sermons from English to Cantonese or the other.
Those are just things and stuffs I do in daylight, it's obvious. What happened at nights, were totally the opposite.
I couldn't recall, but...I woke up almost every after midnight to satisfy the hungry wolves. Sounds creepy and scary, it's true. We know when the guardian finish checking the rooms and we know where to go to be safe.
Sometimes, they wake me up instead, they are too hungry LOL.
I didn't know how or when, but it just came to me naturally like it found me or it's in me, it just caught me. My seniors know what I am capable of doing and who I am able to become.
And when they do, they won't go for another person, may be that's the only entertainment they have in the home. FYI, we are not allowed to go out, unless it is meant for our outings.
Nothing really special for me to remember at 11, basically I just strive hard for my grades in school. Except i was trying to runaway with some other kids to some town to steal some pamelos. LOL. And got stripes of canes on my buttocks.
I became the head when I was 12, I make breakfast for 50, the last one to go to bed making sure everyone is asleep before me, lead prayers during meal time, lead singing in choirs or they called it caroling (Christmas). Was really a little holy young man but with huge devil at heart that time.
At night I will crawl to my favorite senior's bed and sleep with him or at least ease my and his urge for sex. I was like a hungry ghost or werewolf looking and searching for its prey at nights. From bed to bed, prey to prey...
Not long that I became one of them, their prey, all were coming back to me, the one they look for. Surprisingly, until today if I ever meet them, they dare not look straight into my eyes or at least they just blink and go away. Some of them even got married with kids, OMFG! What have I done!? ya know, like...why I ever did that to him!? But I got over it, they didn't know if they were getting married a few years down the road when they were having great sex with me, were they? I won't go into details as in what, how, where, when I had sex with these guys. May be... just mention the ones that were my favorites. LOL.
There's these 2 guys...brothers. Good looking, though the elder looked thin and tall like I called him - Pak Fan Chai (drug-addict), the younger - Ma Lat Lou (guy who looks very messy, dirty or no fashion sense?) correct me if I am wrong. But, actually he was very good looking, he has tough torso, did sit-ups and push-ups everyday after school, he has wide, meaty and big chest that I can't resist every time I was with him. I will pinch his nipples, cuddle with him, and he will fight back, kick me off the bed and got pissed off by teasing him. The elder is cute but I was not so fond of him then, we just did twice, that's it. However, countless with his brother.
Yeah...I can imagine what you readers are thinking now...blehh.
...we did it all, oral, anal, kissing and all the time - bareback when it comes to anal. Where could you possibly find a rubber in a hostel? Buy? Where will the money come from then? We were underage, my dear. We just washed it off, use soaps, saliva as lubes. But, I only did it with this guy, others were just oral and jerking off for them.
Ok, enough of that, I can barely get hold of myself now, even when I am writing this. However, what was past, I'll let it be either it's a happy memory or a bad memory, it will be there forever in my mind.
I have no intention to change myself, continue what I was doing, holy man in the morning, werewolf at night. I was living with 2 personalities / 2 face almost half of my life.
By the age of 13, I was enrolled as a Corps Cadet. TSA (The Salvation Army), may sounds like military but, it is not, it's just a Christian organization using army ranks as hierarchy, usually the one in-charge of the home would be Captain, Major or Envoy. Corps Cadet is the first stage. After 1 year, I was promoted to Senior Soldier, the preliminary stage before becoming a Lieutenant, of cos I need study and complete courses in the Biblical College in Singapore, the HQ. Then you can call me a pastor or Lieutenant after that. I was close / almost got recruited into that college. Many voted for me, just imagine...at the age of 13...i have a group of youth under my leadership, a Bible Class with seniors and leaders, Sunday School (teach, develop and nurture), a congregation to lead, musician in the Corps (a small chapel / tent for worship in military) which you would call it church and so on.
The responsibility and the split personalities I have, it was worse than hell, I used to have a quickie before going to my afternoon Cantonese sermon in the old folks home. You see? What a life!
Yes...I was and am a sinful man, running away like that, sure I won't live for long. However, for you Christian who are reading this don't condemn me or judge me where your own judgment is in the hands of God. This is between me and the God. Do not ever mess things up here, this is where I tell people the truth of my life, myself, I appreciate it.
It was, indeed the pride of my life to have a life like that to start with, not because Christianity made what I am today but consider myself to be so blessed, that I never became the person I shouldn't become, like drug-addict? Murderer? Rapist? Or worse, Terrorist.
...thanks mum.
~End of Part 2~

The Past (Part 1)

I'm not sure is it going to be long, but i'm sure it will take me long enough to put 'em into words.
I wouldn't say when did i realised I'm one of them but rather, i would like you to read about how I naturally became one of them. Ought to introduce myself, I came from a medium family and I'm the only child, yes no siblings ..uhm except step siblings from the first wife. Which means my mother was the second. I have 3 uncles, 1 aunty, they are all my mother's side. I do not have the chance to meet my father's side as my mum and I left him at early age.
I was born in a medium fast developing city of Kedah, Alor Setar. Where I lived with my mother and sometimes at my grandmother's for school holidays. I seldom see my father as he was a busy man and I only get to see him during his days off in the weekend or late nights when he came back...drunk. Sad and hatred, argues and rage...I would not like to mention them.
At the age of 5, my mother left him and took me with her. Along the way we lived in our relatives' house which I can tell literally they weren't so inviting or welcoming. I was forced to live with my grandmother at the end where there's no choice and that my mother has to earn a living. I couldn't recall how old was I that time nor could I remember how many times we shifted from house to house.
When i was living with my grandmother, I was very close with my cousins, one as my elder brother - Siang (about 10 years older than me) and the other younger brother - Chong (2 years younger than me). I looked at my elder brother as a devil in his shadow and the younger as an innocent child. No doubt we were close, it was just the way I was treated differently from both of them.
One night when I was sleeping in my room, Siang came back (drunk, I guessed, because I could smell alchohol) and came into my room. I woke but knowing that he came in I kept silence so he doesn't know that I was awake. I tried to get back to sleep but I couldn't, he was taking off his shirt and trousers. Lying beside me, he starting to touch me but I didn't move. I felt soothed and fell asleep. What woke me up next was, he was pressing and sitting on me doing his 'thing' and i realised my pants were off! I tried to push him away and wanting to shout or even scream, he warned me and pressing forward so i became weak. However, we did not have oral or anal sex, it was just a casual sex to fulfill his 'need' at that point of time. He just jerked off in front of me.
He did that to me probably twice or 3 times a month and always place a few bucks on the table to keep my mouth shut. He wouldn't want my grandmother to chase him away. I was about 9 years old, who knows who will believe a 9 year old kid telling lies about his cousin sodomising his little brother.
When i starting to learn that, I did the same to my younger brother - Chong, which I think he enjoys it when we 'play' together, as he never resist everytime I toy him around. I never get more curious than him as I was more experience than him. When he did, I just tell him that it is 'normal'.
Well...that's the story with my cousins.
I was sent away not because my mother or grandmother found out but my mother is trying to earn a living and nobody takes care of me. I was told that I would make a lot of friends here, The Salvation Army - a non-profit Christian Organisation that raise children without parents or single parent.
I was so lost...so lonely...strangers...confused and many unexpected emotions aroused within...
~End of Part 1~

The author speaks for himself

uh-hem *clearing throat* First of all i would like to thank all my friends, my mother, my colleagues and most of all THANK GOD FOR THE INTERNET!!! Finally I've came up with my own blog, well it's not for myself but for everyone out there who has been anxiously waiting, eagerly wanting to anticipate. Well, here you are, you can drop, spit, spill, splash, thrash or whatever you like here. Just a kind reminder, please do not use vulgar words, mock, criticise, condemn and whatever to put each other faces down, you don't want to see that or face it yourself i believe. This blog is just for you and me to release some thoughts that you think can help others, words of advice, encouragements, experiences, fantasies, point of views and so on whichever is constructive to us. I guess it is quite clear now and if you have any suggestion or comment, please send it to me as I'm still a new blogger to my email address: joocy@hotmail.com or meetjoefair@gmail.com please state who you are and tittle of the content should contain "its_our_pride" so I may be able to detect it as not a junk email. Once again i would like to thank my friends' effort in persuading me in writing a blog and all the supports given.