The Past (Part 1)

I'm not sure is it going to be long, but i'm sure it will take me long enough to put 'em into words.
I wouldn't say when did i realised I'm one of them but rather, i would like you to read about how I naturally became one of them. Ought to introduce myself, I came from a medium family and I'm the only child, yes no siblings ..uhm except step siblings from the first wife. Which means my mother was the second. I have 3 uncles, 1 aunty, they are all my mother's side. I do not have the chance to meet my father's side as my mum and I left him at early age.
I was born in a medium fast developing city of Kedah, Alor Setar. Where I lived with my mother and sometimes at my grandmother's for school holidays. I seldom see my father as he was a busy man and I only get to see him during his days off in the weekend or late nights when he came back...drunk. Sad and hatred, argues and rage...I would not like to mention them.
At the age of 5, my mother left him and took me with her. Along the way we lived in our relatives' house which I can tell literally they weren't so inviting or welcoming. I was forced to live with my grandmother at the end where there's no choice and that my mother has to earn a living. I couldn't recall how old was I that time nor could I remember how many times we shifted from house to house.
When i was living with my grandmother, I was very close with my cousins, one as my elder brother - Siang (about 10 years older than me) and the other younger brother - Chong (2 years younger than me). I looked at my elder brother as a devil in his shadow and the younger as an innocent child. No doubt we were close, it was just the way I was treated differently from both of them.
One night when I was sleeping in my room, Siang came back (drunk, I guessed, because I could smell alchohol) and came into my room. I woke but knowing that he came in I kept silence so he doesn't know that I was awake. I tried to get back to sleep but I couldn't, he was taking off his shirt and trousers. Lying beside me, he starting to touch me but I didn't move. I felt soothed and fell asleep. What woke me up next was, he was pressing and sitting on me doing his 'thing' and i realised my pants were off! I tried to push him away and wanting to shout or even scream, he warned me and pressing forward so i became weak. However, we did not have oral or anal sex, it was just a casual sex to fulfill his 'need' at that point of time. He just jerked off in front of me.
He did that to me probably twice or 3 times a month and always place a few bucks on the table to keep my mouth shut. He wouldn't want my grandmother to chase him away. I was about 9 years old, who knows who will believe a 9 year old kid telling lies about his cousin sodomising his little brother.
When i starting to learn that, I did the same to my younger brother - Chong, which I think he enjoys it when we 'play' together, as he never resist everytime I toy him around. I never get more curious than him as I was more experience than him. When he did, I just tell him that it is 'normal'.
Well...that's the story with my cousins.
I was sent away not because my mother or grandmother found out but my mother is trying to earn a living and nobody takes care of me. I was told that I would make a lot of friends here, The Salvation Army - a non-profit Christian Organisation that raise children without parents or single parent.
I was so lost...so lonely...strangers...confused and many unexpected emotions aroused within...
~End of Part 1~