...I couldn't bear the mind that my mum was leaving me alone in this world of strangers, 50 pairs of eyes staring at me. I cried myself to sleep for nights, I stood still in the shower for hours, thinking what did I do wrong and end up in this place.
I did not ask my mum for the answer, but I found out it will be more mature for me to find the answer myself, how? At the age of 10? It's ridiculous. Life had to move on, things had to be done.
I found things that made me sober...the bond with my mum, the cheerfulness in the eyes of the other children, the guidance of the guardians, the comfort of having everyone beside to warm you up and etc, from all the things above...I found my answer why was I here. Many things came in to form the answer: my education, upbringing, learn to be independent, manners, religion, social life and so on, that includes how I become "People Like You", it's deep, it was like going through a full time course, a whole package that makes you a PhD or what-sorta-thing. It's not like you pick up a trick or two from the street. It needs time to nurture to become the person you are.
So, I began to realize I need to lead this life, I built networks, make many new friends on the way...
I picked things up pretty fast, at the age of 12 I was...alright, I go back a little just 2 years before, I admit I got harassed by seniors, I was keen to know how they do it there, are they the same as my cousins, do they need it, I wanted to know practically everything about it. I was as much curious as every virgin or newbie or whatever you called it even after I have some pre-experiences at my home.
I didn't really had my first full male-to-male sex at the age of 10 exactly, but we will come to that in a bit. Just read about what happened to me when I was sent to this home - The Salvation Army Boy's Home, Tambun, Ipoh.
The reason I never mention what happened to my family is I don't want to repeat it here, or I should say it has nothing worth for me to talk about, not because it has nothing to do with what I am today, but I want people to read about me and me alone. I gave enough information about my family, it was plain but it is enough.
OK, I was one of the outstanding boys in the home, very proud to say that, I also performed well in my grades in school, teachers, guardians and everyone like me. I was strongly involving myself in Christianity. Learning the bible, giving testimonies every week in the chapel or church. Took up organ by ear. Teaching dance or performances for special event and celebrations. Leading worships and translating sermons from English to Cantonese or the other.
Those are just things and stuffs I do in daylight, it's obvious. What happened at nights, were totally the opposite.
I couldn't recall, but...I woke up almost every after midnight to satisfy the hungry wolves. Sounds creepy and scary, it's true. We know when the guardian finish checking the rooms and we know where to go to be safe.
Sometimes, they wake me up instead, they are too hungry LOL.
I didn't know how or when, but it just came to me naturally like it found me or it's in me, it just caught me. My seniors know what I am capable of doing and who I am able to become.
And when they do, they won't go for another person, may be that's the only entertainment they have in the home. FYI, we are not allowed to go out, unless it is meant for our outings.
Nothing really special for me to remember at 11, basically I just strive hard for my grades in school. Except i was trying to runaway with some other kids to some town to steal some pamelos. LOL. And got stripes of canes on my buttocks.
I became the head when I was 12, I make breakfast for 50, the last one to go to bed making sure everyone is asleep before me, lead prayers during meal time, lead singing in choirs or they called it caroling (Christmas). Was really a little holy young man but with huge devil at heart that time.
At night I will crawl to my favorite senior's bed and sleep with him or at least ease my and his urge for sex. I was like a hungry ghost or werewolf looking and searching for its prey at nights. From bed to bed, prey to prey...
Not long that I became one of them, their prey, all were coming back to me, the one they look for. Surprisingly, until today if I ever meet them, they dare not look straight into my eyes or at least they just blink and go away. Some of them even got married with kids, OMFG! What have I done!? ya know, like...why I ever did that to him!? But I got over it, they didn't know if they were getting married a few years down the road when they were having great sex with me, were they? I won't go into details as in what, how, where, when I had sex with these guys. May be... just mention the ones that were my favorites. LOL.
There's these 2 guys...brothers. Good looking, though the elder looked thin and tall like I called him - Pak Fan Chai (drug-addict), the younger - Ma Lat Lou (guy who looks very messy, dirty or no fashion sense?) correct me if I am wrong. But, actually he was very good looking, he has tough torso, did sit-ups and push-ups everyday after school, he has wide, meaty and big chest that I can't resist every time I was with him. I will pinch his nipples, cuddle with him, and he will fight back, kick me off the bed and got pissed off by teasing him. The elder is cute but I was not so fond of him then, we just did twice, that's it. However, countless with his brother.
Yeah...I can imagine what you readers are thinking now...blehh.
...we did it all, oral, anal, kissing and all the time - bareback when it comes to anal. Where could you possibly find a rubber in a hostel? Buy? Where will the money come from then? We were underage, my dear. We just washed it off, use soaps, saliva as lubes. But, I only did it with this guy, others were just oral and jerking off for them.
Ok, enough of that, I can barely get hold of myself now, even when I am writing this. However, what was past, I'll let it be either it's a happy memory or a bad memory, it will be there forever in my mind.
I have no intention to change myself, continue what I was doing, holy man in the morning, werewolf at night. I was living with 2 personalities / 2 face almost half of my life.
By the age of 13, I was enrolled as a Corps Cadet. TSA (The Salvation Army), may sounds like military but, it is not, it's just a Christian organization using army ranks as hierarchy, usually the one in-charge of the home would be Captain, Major or Envoy. Corps Cadet is the first stage. After 1 year, I was promoted to Senior Soldier, the preliminary stage before becoming a Lieutenant, of cos I need study and complete courses in the Biblical College in Singapore, the HQ. Then you can call me a pastor or Lieutenant after that. I was close / almost got recruited into that college. Many voted for me, just imagine...at the age of 13...i have a group of youth under my leadership, a Bible Class with seniors and leaders, Sunday School (teach, develop and nurture), a congregation to lead, musician in the Corps (a small chapel / tent for worship in military) which you would call it church and so on.
The responsibility and the split personalities I have, it was worse than hell, I used to have a quickie before going to my afternoon Cantonese sermon in the old folks home. You see? What a life!
Yes...I was and am a sinful man, running away like that, sure I won't live for long. However, for you Christian who are reading this don't condemn me or judge me where your own judgment is in the hands of God. This is between me and the God. Do not ever mess things up here, this is where I tell people the truth of my life, myself, I appreciate it.
It was, indeed the pride of my life to have a life like that to start with, not because Christianity made what I am today but consider myself to be so blessed, that I never became the person I shouldn't become, like drug-addict? Murderer? Rapist? Or worse, Terrorist.
...thanks mum.
~End of Part 2~
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