Coming Out - Homosexual VS Queer (Part 5.2)

So much of the Channel 5 Queer Guy (in QAF), he might be the perfect or not example of Homosexual VS Queer for me.

I was watching it for the 3rd time, not that I have no other DVD / drama to watch, moreover with the Olympic attractions and so on, that I wanted to watch it again, ya know a good story is worth repeating. And you know what, I just learned something and got me to write it here, and how I relate it in my life.

Being someone you're not, trust me I've been through, it's pathetic and hypocrite.


Just like Emmett (in the pic), he was given the job of his lifetime, to be in front of the screen, providing queer tips on how to make your day and so on, well, regardless of what he had already done in the previous season as a website porn star. This was different, it's in front of may be nearly half the States of America. That include the straights, homophobes, religion leaders and even politician. He's refrained from showing his sexuality, showing the true him and that include his brief and tight ass. He's only allowed to provide segments on gardening, cooking, grooming and things that are harmless, not mentally challenged. Viewing certain thing from a different angle. That's it. That's what I would call being queer.


Homosexual is totally the opposite way, it's about showing what we are, that is, freely. it's more challenging, more adventurous, dare to be different, which makes us all the same, whether you're straight, a tranny or drag queen, we are the same as we are all made differently in the face of God, like a family.

Recalled an episode I watched when Michael Novotny delivering a speech on the tragic that he was one of the survivors in the bomb incident. Yes, we all want the same things, some extra money in our pocket, family, marriage, lead a normal happy life even for equal rights. However, we are all different like snowflakes yet inevitably we are still considered snows.





I could admit I'm a bit like Michael too, just wanna get married not necessary to a rich guy, just as long as we love each other like Ben Bruckner and lead a normal happy family life, throw a family party once in awhile, have good and best friends around, sharing sorrows and joys, and yeah my mum could come in and mess our days up. :)
...that would be a dream come true.
I considered myself officially came out when I confessed to my mother that I am gay. She's the only person I ever wish, could accept me the way I am. Finally, she was relieved to hear the news. She didn't get mad or curse, all mothers are the same, she tried to convince me to becoming a straight again, "I'm much happier in this life mom, why should I go back to that miserable life where I hurt myself and even worse I will hurt the girl's heart which couldn't be heal not by time too...". She's speechless awhile.
I assumed she agreed with me and all of a sudden she spoke again, "yeah! Now that I realised, I usually met a lot gay and lesbian customers (she works in a chinese restaurant in Virginia), ya know they're so nice to me, so friendly and bla-bla-blahh..." she continued. "Mom! Enough, I know what you've been through, and I know what's happening in US ok." I explained. "Ok, mom's gonna get back to work, one more thing son, be safe, play safe kay." She insisted "Thanks mom..." I was finally relieved too.
That's how I came out. Now that I have dropped the 'biggest stone' off my shoulder, thank god.
No doubt before that I already came out enjoying myself sleeping and groping around, but this was kinda official and precious memory for me. So, whatcha say? I'm officially gay and queer and single and available and ...etc


~End of Part 5.2~

Coming Out - Part 5.1

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Youth - The 'Real' Experience Continues (Part 4.4)

Last Friday I went to a friend's wedding, not my close or best friend's wedding as I hardly know the bride or the bridegroom. Anyway, I was curious when Bountiful Bel told me about the hunky doc she met earlier and happened to be one of the maid of honour, so I was hoping to meet him after enough stories told how hot and decent he looks like :)

I was sort of a substitute, Bountiful Bel dragged me along since her bf couldn't make it and I was free, and in need of...'penetration'.

So, I went shopping again, not for myself but something for the bride, "Bel, what do Evelyn likes? I was thinking of getting her a gift." I called Bel "She like skin care products, practically every brand..." she said. Evelyn sounds like a Madonna to me. I heard Bel told me about Evelyn likes reading too, so there I went down to a bookstore near my office and search for a book, making sure not to pick the wrong choice. Alas, I picked one titled 'Atonement', I've watched the movie and I like it, after paying it, took it back to my office and wrapped it up in a nice shiny rose-imprinted wrapper. I hope she likes it too.

"Are you anywhere near our office Bel?" called her after 2 hours of waiting at the office lobby. "So sorry darling, we are caught in this bloody jam...I know you are hungry, we too..." Heard Meowy Ann beside, cursing the jam. "We are just at the corner, hang on dear...coming" Hung up and I groaned and wondering what's happening.

As we arrived at the venue, we were seated at the halal table with the others, 2 Malay couples, one of them was our CCD Exe, Abnormal Af and her stocky bf. And I don't know the rest.

Bel started by introducing me to the handsome doc, Awful Allan and his cousin Common Chris. Allan was a hunk overall but with his BO I wouldn't label him as Hunky Allan so as his cousin, thin as a bamboo stick with a tasteless sense of fashion as Allan, they both really matches well for "Queer Eyes for the Straight" candidates. Fashion and physical makeover are what they need I guessed.

I must admit I was a little confused by what Bountiful Bel told me about meeting Awful Allan, she sounded that Allan was the potential one, could be or at least hook her up last weekend. Well, that didn't sound as good when she mentioned Awful Allan was offering her a 3some with his cousin, "What?! Why the hell he needs to sell his cousin too?" I was anxious "Well, I guess he likes it, moreover this will be my first, ya know..." Bel trying to convince me "I thought this gonna be like 1 on 1 thing, and not taking you for granted by selling his cousin or offering his cousin a free learning session after all what you told me that Allan also crazy about you, practically everytime he meets you, what a jerk!" I told her.

What immature brats they were. I told Bel that they might not be the guys that she's into, not even 1 kiss is worth from them. It has to be more than a kiss, if it's with me.

Well, I don't mean that Bountiful Bel was such a slut or almost a whore but if it was me I'll rather indulge into someone who is more sincere, or in other words get things straight to the point, "Yeah let's fuck" :)

So, after the wedding Bel was suggesting we go some place to chill. Both straight men looking at me, and asked me where I usually hang out. Well, not any place I hang out would interest him. "Darling he just wanted a taste of it, why don't you do him a favor, am sure he could handle himself..." Bel whispered. That might freak him out, am pretty sure for homophobic who never experience gay scene. "Well, let's go to frangy panny then..."

I thought Bel and Allan were making out as I were cruising and dancing near the bar. It turned out to be the other way, when I saw Awful Allan and Common Chris walking to the exit. I went to Bel, she was sulking and almost cursing. She ordered them to go home after what Allan said, "I want to fuck you, but may be you should lose a few kg before I do that..." Bountiful Bel is not fat at all! I mean she got fat boobs that's why I call her bountiful. Anyway, I told her to forget about Allan, he's not even worth a pity fuck. There's hundred times more willing handsome guys than Allan to fuck your brains out, Bel. Don't give a shit!

Some time back then, I was rejected that way. When I was a little bit more than beefy, chubby. Went to the baths and wanting a release, casual sex. Fingers, hands even legs caressing, touching from head to chest and down...to waist, "wow, t-that's quite a torso..." then suddenly you were left alone jerking-off at the dark corner.

Well, I guess that's the old me...anyone available tonight? :)

~End of Part 4.4~

Youth - The 'Real' Experience Continues (Part 4.3)

Working as a Professional Coordinator, everything has to be on top of my mind, even the smallest act such as carrying water bottle for my Chief Happiness Officer (Ronald McDonald), I have to be top of mind myself not to carry any labeled bottle. Due to some technical problems, he was late for the show today, and this was the second time. He was fashionably late, no doubt. Got back from the show and headed back to the hotel, bought breakfast for him and came downstairs sitting at the lobby, as I was chatting with Yvonne, the PR Officer, I requested the pin and pass for the WI-FI access so I can write my post since I have 3 hours before the next show.


Gotta finish the Butterworth trip before I can proceed to telling my past, this will be the other 2 days there.

So, I got myself a second date with Titan Tan the next night after he met me...just before that, something else came first. Remember the first night I arrived and no one came to my attention, they were busy, too late, couldn't decide, forgotten or some just ignored me. Well, I did some chatting in MIRC and MSN while reading savante's blog, trying my luck to get hooked.

One of the chatter, I would label him as Stocky Steve, lover of my best friend - Wacky Walter. They've been a loving couple, more than 5 years. We've been close friends for a long time. It's kinda risky writing all these, I would be spanked if they were to found out that I was writing about their dirty stuffs lol :) it wouldn't hurt to excite the reading a little bit, would it? Moreover, I never use any real names, that makes you guys anonymous. Anyway, Stocky Steve wanted to see me, he brought Wacky Walter along and we went out for lunch, at a yam rice stall near my hotel. I don't like dragging here, anyway the next thing you know, we were on the bed together. 3 of us, as you guys call it 3some. I was virgin to it, but I sorta been guided through the process, somehow I felt comfortable, secured, fearless, not any doubt and that was my first time. May be I was doing with people I know. I used to have invitations for these kind of play but never tried it, I was scared. Both of them did very well, not long, whole 45 mins play did just right for me, I didn't passed out but I felt a sense of relieved, deep in my mind (*giggling* finally I get to grope and fuck with Wacky and Stocky). That was not what I dreamt of when I first met them. But not for Stocky Steve, I believed he always wanted to lay hands on me, I've always notice the way he's staring at me when we first met. He even told Wacky Walter that he's always wanted to have sex with me, well now you had it...it's inappropriate to tell details here, can just tell you the whole 45 mins of wow! oohh! ahhh! that's it. :) am letting you guys go wild on your fantasies. Wonder if Wacky Walter would come see me again, this time a personal invitation on my personal trip :)

After shower I had Wacky Walter dropped me at the Sunway Carnival Complex, went shopping alone and stopped at Starbucks for a break and readings...

Sometimes, you just can't get enough of things like possessions, urge, in this case for me is sex :) I had make a fully packed agenda for myself during this 4 days 3 nights trip, to be precise, night activities.

Called Titan to pick me up at Sunway Carnival and head back to the hotel. Freshen up myself, seeing Titan lying on the bed, another temptation...

He's not like Wacky Walter or a sex animal, with him we just like cuddling and groping. Not so much into sex things. Then we would be talking about almost anything that came to mind, whispering into each other's ears. Out of curiosity, I wanted to try him, so I sat on top of him, kissing him then down to the nipples, chest...then slurping every bit of him, I did a bj for him, making sure it's well done and wholly-wet (lubricated), I sat upright again, slowly and gracefully slided the 6 inches into me and hold him close. "hmmmm....." I mourned a little. "Why are you so high of? Did you took pills?" He asked in curiosity "Nah, it's more..." I replied "OMG! You are so naughtyx3! How and when did ya..." He was in shocked.
All of a sudden, from a decent looking chap he turned into a wild uncontrollable beast, with a bland expression I was being taken over immediately, he grabbed me firmly, pushing and pulling, in and out steadily yet gentle, I was actually enjoying it, I always thought "no pain no gain" was the way of sex. He was rough as he looked like and like what i imagined he would be, however he turned to be quite the opposite way like a...professional. He was good in leading, changing position, gosh how I loved he did it in army style and doggie style. :) "Could anyone pass me the tissue box please, I'm drooling!"

We spent the night together till the next morning, after he went to the office I continued dreaming, the same dream though, wishing that I will never wake up from the dream...

He bought me lunch just before I left for KL, although the time we met was short we started feeling like we were missing each other. Finally bade farewell...I boarded the coach back to KL.

This feelings and emotions were no strangers to me...being optimistic, I always look at life in the positive angle regardless how bad the scenario...

Sometimes I believe in fate, sometimes I don't, I make my own fate, anyway do you think I would let Titan Tan slip off my hands that easy? (after what we did together?) Guess what, I'm flying to Penang next week... :) "I'm back for more..."

In terms of feelings and experiences, it did felt like deja vu to me, it happened in the olden days when I first came out, in the learning processes and meeting new guys.

~End of Part 4.2~

Youth - The 'Real' Experience Continues (Part 4.2)

I got a 3-day off from work after Genting Highlands, so I decided to get away from town, I flew to Northern, well not exactly in a plane, on a coach. It was my mind that flew there.
After 5-6 hours of bumping, squashed my button ass, flat. Lucky thing I brought my PSP along or I will be disgusted to death, vomiting sitting among smelly old hags and drooling aunties over their sleeps. I dropped at Chai Leng Park, Butterworth.
Yeah, deja vu? No. In the previous post, I did mention I was in Sunway Prai, yes this is the main story.
So, as soon as I landed, I smsed Reluctant Ray, the one I supposed to meet after 6 months of smses and not even a meet-up or a picture of him, i was a bit worried and nervous. Without knowing what I can get myself into.
Walked across the main road and checked into a hotel, at least the room is a bit bigger than the infamous so-called hotel room in First World - terrible.
I cleaned myself up, after watching the telly, I decided to call Reluctant Ray again since he didn't reply my sms...he is still busy, only could make it the next day after work, that's fine with me, with my PR skills, I have network around without hesitation, I sms one of them, Notorious Nic. Not with his skills :) he's quite low profile here, I guessed. In order to enjoy the night I'd like to have a great sex before going to sleep, to freshen up the next morning :) "You've always text me this late!" He replied. "What? Why? When? It's only 10 past 10, what's so late about it? You have plans?" Never mind. "Ok, since I can't make it tonight, am gonna introduce you to another guy, is that alright?" Right away times 3 I said, send him here now! I was horny, besides the antsy-ness that I was having.
After an hour, an anonymous message came, "Hi, how are you? My name is..." Goddamn it, pick up the phone, I was dialling without finish reading the sms.
A coarse but sexy voice: "Hello? is this Joe?" He greeted. "You bet he is, so wanna come (or cum) tonight?" Rushing my lines. "Uhmm...let me see, let us meet outside first, shall we?" He answered. WTF! Skip the whatever-ice-breaker I want sex playing in my mind. "Let me get back to you, give me a moment, I might come meet you at 2" I plainly replied: "Ookayy..."
Killing the time by watching Rachael Ray and Martha...someone keep knocking my door, woke up from almost-dose-off watching Martha. "Coming..." grab my singlet, put it on, couldn't bother much whether it's the other way I was wearing. Look into the door hole, hmmm could it be him, what's his name again? Shit! Decent looking guy, with spectacles, loose tee with short jeans. "Surprise! What took you so long?" He whispered "Were you afraid or shocked?" He continued. "uhmm..no just... come in." I welcomed him and "uhmm...you are..?" I murmured "Terence, Terence tan..." Hmm to me, Titan Tan more like it, with his well toned and muscular size, looks delicious and tempting to me.
What I did first was not pushing him to the bed straightaway though I'd like it to be, but we were talking, chatting the night away, we told each other about our job, family, gym, stories and stuffs like that which I didn't expect. It ended up we both hugged each other, kissing to sleep.
He was awaken by his alarm from his phone at about 5am. I was too. "Hey, I need to get back home, I have work tomorrow." He informed "Ok...be careful and take care." I replied.
"uhmm, could I see you again? Tomorrow?" He asked politely. "Huh? Why not? Sure, gimme a call." Knowing what my devil will be scheming this time, I won't let him go that easy.
At the door, "You know what? You are very friendly and sincere, and most of all you are cute." He said it before walking to the lift. "Thanks, you take care k, watch the road and see ya tomorrow." Giggling to myself after locking the door.
I guess I've totally forgotten about Reluctant Ray after all. I went to sleep, assumed that I was smiling as I sleep.

I went out for the day to have my own activities, watched X-Files alone, bought some books and mags, one titled "Kite Runner" and the other...could only recall the red stood out sticker on the cover that's stating "If you've like Memoir Of Geisha, you'll definitely like this". Sat in the Starbucks, yeaah cruising and reading and having my cuppa.
Caught a message after I read a few lines from Kite Runner, "Sorry Joe, I don't think I could make it tonight, am having stomach ache..." Must be having a hard day, lacking sleep the night before sure caused him to swallow food without even checking what he's eating, I guessed.
Well, I guessed that left Reluctant Ray, suddenly I remembered he is coming tonight, so let's move to plan B.
I smsed Ray, he said he will be coming after work which is about 12midnight, sure it was a right time for that. Apparently, I dosed off again and by the time I woke up, the clock was ticking at 6am. What! What the hell was Ray doing? I checked my phone, no message or miss call. I smsed him again, then replied that he caught up in the middle of something, about work and will be meeting me later, when I asked, he said 7am. Gosh, I need to be alert for another hour, where's my PSP...
He didn't turn up at 7 or 7:30am, frustrated I called him up, he explained that he needs to get stuffs and DVDs..."I don't think that's necessary, show yourself here right away, you know why I am here, right? I just wanna meet you." And goes all my nagging and releasing..."Ok, I will be there at 9am, and Nasi Lemak for you?" What? "No! My room comes with breakfast." As I hang up. Phew~~I managed to get thru hell to meet this guy.
Finally, I heard my door knocked at 9:15am. "Come in...what took you so long..." I asked reluctantly. "Well, I headed back to get my stuffs and DVDs and.." What? "You meant you came to my room before?" Raising my voice "uhmm...yea but I couldn't decide whether to meet you anot..." Speechless... "Well, I just wanna meet you, that's all, you're having problem?" I answered "Err actually I wonder if you mind if I take 'Ice" before meeting you?" God! This is worst than hell, wonder if you've come across anyone especially gay who needs 'Ice' to stimulate for sex, rather than Viagra or cock ring or just applying extra lube. I wonder he's impotent or something else. "Just wanna make you feel different and it really enhance ya know, longer and get things off my head..." He tried to describe.
Again I was speechless. "Well, I don't mind but that thing of yours could just do immediate damage to your brain ya know, like Ecstasy, but I don't need it, I might not erect taking it." Ok enough of this shit. It ended up that he couldn't get an erection and I was horny and frustrated that I had to fuck him. I feel like I was an idiot, a totally horny insane fucking this highly loaded 'Iced' bottom, found it out eventually that he is bottom, on top of it negative emotions aroused, bad impression, bad habits, bad mood, bad breath argghh, this will be the first and the last. After he received a call from his boss that they needed him, he left without any promise of coming back, I didn't wish for that too. He will definitely curse me if he reads this.
I was in the other hand, relieved. But if it's not for him, I wouldn't met up with Titan Tan, don't you think?
The story doesn't end here pal, come to think of it, I didn't even mention anything from the past lol, tell you what, this was not the first time experience, talking about first, it was dated way back in my youthful days...let me dig deeper and tell you in the next chapter...there is more to come and cum before I come back to KL.
Do you know how to sign "I'll love you till the end..." in Sign Language?
~End of Part 4.1~

Youth - The 'Real' Experience (Part 4.1)

Did my cardio in the gym, rushing out ordered a fully vegetarian meal, rushed it down my throat and 'ta-daa~~ finally my lappy is ready, full connection'
I am in a live band cafe - Heaven Cafe, it's inside The Curve. The one I have been coming regularly when I was working at the McDonald's Mutiara Damansara Outlet. And the band is singing 'Heaven Knows' by Rick Price? Correct?
Anyway, I have stories to tell, so much that I have no idea where I should start...
Last week I was attending a seminar in Genting Highlands - The City of Boredom (instead of Entertainment) really bored me to death. Despite going to the theme Park trying to cheer or spice myself up, I ended up sitting in the Starbucks for hours browsing Chris Evans and Christian Bale's photos and wallpapers and made fun of my colleague who was preparing her speech for the seminar.
Hmm...other than the boring agenda that we supposed to follow, I did what I seldom do, dressed up and put on my favorite cologne and hit the night club there - Safari Dance Club. Well, it did looked like 'safari', with all the tree branches hanging, artifitial leaves sticking and bamboo sticks neatly lined as 'wall' which I rather think as a cage. There's a stage with poles and 2 giant cage, the only thing missing was the dancers, may be it's a weekday, may be the dancers are on leave but how I wish they have gorgeous male stripers doing their 'thing' up there and I elegantly catwalk the steps up to show the crowd how a dancing queen shake her booties...in my dream.
While I was half way dreamin' something dropped beside me, a lighter, gracefully I picked it up and returned to the guy next to me, he's smiling: "Thank you, would you mind if I buy you a drink..uhm may be for your friends too?" As he was pointing to my 2 other colleagues who were sitting beside me. "Ohh no no, really, I'm fine, you don't have to do that." He replied: "I insist, please.."
Well, alright me and my colleagues just ordered coke. Trying to chat him up, actually trying my luck to get him to buy us more drinks :) and to bed *pinch, you are evil! "Ouch! Bel, what's wrong with that?" Bel's my colleague and my close friend too. She knows my intention, wonder if she could reads mind.
Anyway, the above was a make-up, it was Bel who picked up the lighter and the guy did bought them drinks while I was doing my gay steps and swaying away on the dance floor. :)

Looking back then, compare to what I do today was totally different, you can even say 'bizarre' why? I used to date 3-5 guys a day...
As you know I was obsessed with the MIRC, I just date as many guys as I can to have sex, get laid as much as I could possibly handle, make it a fruitful day :). I don't recall how many overall, could be countless all those years. I'm a total slut, nevertheless I was the fresh meat in the market, and almost everyone wants a piece of me. Tried everything, going to the saunas, massage centers and gay clubs almost every night, wearing singlets, making sure my ass in good button shape, but no make ups not even foundation. I discreet that myself, unless I want to become the next Ms. Ladyboy which is not even the last thing I wanna be.
It was indeed the most 'fruitful' years during my youth, endless parties, thumpa-thumpas, poundings, bangings, don't ask me where did the energy came from...
All these years, I learned, it did nurtured and cultivated me into the person I am today, no doubt I was a sex animal and party animal. However, I tend to avoid getting into a serious relationship. It could be that I was a slut, evil ignorant fag that no one ever wants to get near me, I didn't gave a shit to that.
Somehow, it sure came to me...one day...
~End of Part 4~

Adolescence - New Beginning Continues (Part 3.3)

I just got back from Butterworth, damn tired. But still I have the urge to write, to continue telling what I did way back there.
Came downstairs and sit in the Oldtown Kopitiam, open and start my lappy to find that I’m facing the same connection error again! Why?! I entered the password they gave me but the pop-up says “checksum validation failed for the pin entered” what does that mean? Well, I gave up asking the waiter again, never mind. I asked the guy beside me whether he could fix it, apparently he just stared at the screen and goes “Sorry, I can’t help you, my network setting was done by someone else and I just came in…” In disappointment, I expressed my gratitude and think of something else.
It did saddened me, however the moment I saw a few hunks came in I was settled, come on it did cheered me up a little, I’m a happy lad now. Am writing this in MS Words and will cut and paste into my new post later when I get the full connection.
Btw, when did this kopitiam evolved into a gay scene hotspot? I can practically smell a few loads of them here, guys winking at each other, definitely a cruising place you wouldn’t like leaving.
Alright, getting back to my history. I have to mention that Tony Toy did become a very special person in my life. He wasn’t mentioned in the early chapters as I did accidentally said it in the last post and I thought I did.
Well, when I started in TSA in Ipoh, he was my junior and he had an elder brother whom I called ARR (All-rounder Rev), he’s my mentor, almost my idol. I learned playing the organ under his guidance, yeah mostly played by ears.

Tony Toy did look up to me, as his leader, his refuge apart from his biological brother. We became very intimate. I was close to his brother as well as we shared the same music together, refining the masterpieces, which chord should we use when we wanted to repeat the chorus, which song to decide when I wanted to lead the congregation into prayers. “When I look into Your Holiness, When I gaze into your loveliness…” came into mind, one of my favorite Christian songs.
In the other hand, Tony Toy was trying to pick up with us, trying hard with his guitar, I admitted that he was a fast learner; he picked up guitar without a lesson taught just barely on books.
The struggles went on, even at the age of 16, I have yet to make up my mind whether to let go, let go the life I am living now. Homosexuality is a sin according to the Bible, man were made for women, what the hell is wrong with man loving man? The straight, old-fashion, gaudy way of living, traditional marriage and match-making is what you called ‘Love’?
Well, that didn’t stop my mum from loving my father even he’s married in the beginning, did they? And he’s still married.
That was why I didn’t leave the way I’m living. It’s a question: “To lead the life you wish or kiss goodbye Christianity?”
I made that decision at the age of 17, I left Christianity, some said I was mislead by the worldly ‘things’, by greed, by enjoyment and unholy stuffs like, freedom?
When I was discharged from the home at 18, the first thing came to my mind was indulge myself fully into the cyber world of MIRC, that came after finding myself a decent job lol. That's a good start I guessed, thank God for the internet...
~End of Part 3.3~