Disappearance

Sometimes somewhere in life, you just wanted to disappear, you wish to end your life now and then to start anew, hoping for the better in the new life. It's like you feel unfinished, undone, to end that you'd just choose to disappear.



I really experienced that, may be because I didn't know what to do anymore to my life, I was having difficulties making the next step, I felt empty and incomplete, like I was drowning though I could swim to the shore, I just didn't do it. I waited. Almost letting it go.



As a child who grew up in a orphanage home, things did not looked up as you would like it to, as in you're looking for hope or motivation, in fact hope, had to come from within yourself, you have to create hope for yourself, you have to look shiny and bright not only bring hope to yourself but to others as well.



I remembered my childhood ambition was to be a surgeon, brain surgeon, it's just a childhood dream, inspired by the TV series - E.R. but what makes me today clearly isn't any closer to brain surgeon, I discovered other potentials on the way. However, I always have the same intention for all my career, to help people, like a brain surgeon.



I'm not a person who is capable of diverting stress or problems into work, I've seen people work like no tomorrow just to get rid of the after-breakup, family problems and so on in order to move on. But I am not, I have to deal with it, solve it and then I am ready to move on, I know some problems might have to wait, a matter of time, and I couldn't cope at times.



It's ironic to see myself in the eyes of others that I am an independent person huh, I can't even manage my own stress, but nevertheless, I live. I realised the importance of my life doesn't make any sense to whosoever, but to myself alone, and there I thought I did, but then again, I never know, cause there is no one that comes to me and say 'Joe, I need you in my life or you are important to me' I just have to make hope to myself, giving me a reason to live, again and find the importance of life.