Sometimes somewhere in life, you just wanted to disappear, you wish to end your life now and then to start anew, hoping for the better in the new life. It's like you feel unfinished, undone, to end that you'd just choose to disappear.
I really experienced that, may be because I didn't know what to do anymore to my life, I was having difficulties making the next step, I felt empty and incomplete, like I was drowning though I could swim to the shore, I just didn't do it. I waited. Almost letting it go.
As a child who grew up in a orphanage home, things did not looked up as you would like it to, as in you're looking for hope or motivation, in fact hope, had to come from within yourself, you have to create hope for yourself, you have to look shiny and bright not only bring hope to yourself but to others as well.
I remembered my childhood ambition was to be a surgeon, brain surgeon, it's just a childhood dream, inspired by the TV series - E.R. but what makes me today clearly isn't any closer to brain surgeon, I discovered other potentials on the way. However, I always have the same intention for all my career, to help people, like a brain surgeon.
I'm not a person who is capable of diverting stress or problems into work, I've seen people work like no tomorrow just to get rid of the after-breakup, family problems and so on in order to move on. But I am not, I have to deal with it, solve it and then I am ready to move on, I know some problems might have to wait, a matter of time, and I couldn't cope at times.
It's ironic to see myself in the eyes of others that I am an independent person huh, I can't even manage my own stress, but nevertheless, I live. I realised the importance of my life doesn't make any sense to whosoever, but to myself alone, and there I thought I did, but then again, I never know, cause there is no one that comes to me and say 'Joe, I need you in my life or you are important to me' I just have to make hope to myself, giving me a reason to live, again and find the importance of life.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
The Dauntless Heart It Shall Be
I will make myself pop instead, this will be the new me, no more day dreaming and no more talking to myself.
You would be thinking what medicine did I take to recover that fast and effective?
Well, one thing, life's suck and life's tough, deal with it and move on, I need to live and eat to keep myself alive to see the world being consumed day by day and consequently as I've come to my senses that, I'm older each day.
The other thing is, thanks to Meredith Grey and the other interns, I am now stuck with them every night, racing episodes each night, just finished Season 2, moving into Season 3 tonight.
The point is, I always find something to read or watch to overcome my 'sickness', be it a lousy book or draggy series, I just watch and absorb, and I process it and digest it down, it helps and it may not help.
Now don't start with the stories, I know for sure you guys had already watch Grey's Anatomy long ago, for me it's just the beginning, and yes it makes me cry and laugh unstoppable in front of the TV and made me looked like an idiot, if my housemate was around.
And what makes me better is, each episode taught me something, be it teaching me to be bold, be courageous, be sensitive, be positive or be spontaneous, I came to realise of what was wrong in my life and work. So what life's an ass or reality rules, I chose to move on.
You would be thinking what medicine did I take to recover that fast and effective?
Well, one thing, life's suck and life's tough, deal with it and move on, I need to live and eat to keep myself alive to see the world being consumed day by day and consequently as I've come to my senses that, I'm older each day.
The other thing is, thanks to Meredith Grey and the other interns, I am now stuck with them every night, racing episodes each night, just finished Season 2, moving into Season 3 tonight.
The point is, I always find something to read or watch to overcome my 'sickness', be it a lousy book or draggy series, I just watch and absorb, and I process it and digest it down, it helps and it may not help.
Now don't start with the stories, I know for sure you guys had already watch Grey's Anatomy long ago, for me it's just the beginning, and yes it makes me cry and laugh unstoppable in front of the TV and made me looked like an idiot, if my housemate was around.
And what makes me better is, each episode taught me something, be it teaching me to be bold, be courageous, be sensitive, be positive or be spontaneous, I came to realise of what was wrong in my life and work. So what life's an ass or reality rules, I chose to move on.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
No Pain No Gain!
It was my belated birthday treat from my sister / colleague a.k.a Bountiful Bel, She treated me to a free massage session at the True Spa at Jaya 33 yesterday, it was a pain enduring training session for me, and it was my first, I've never try massage, not even a foot massage. Not that I'm a coward or have foot sore but I just don't fancy, but I like to give massage with a little knowledge of a few kind...but not Shiatsu.
I was not paying any attention to my sis when she was talking to me while booking the retreat for both of us:
Bel: Hey brader, I book massage har, *then continue talking softly to the receptionist in the phone 'ah yes, Shiatsu for him please...'
Me: Huh? You called me sis? A what?! Shiatsu! Oh...Ok, if that's what I am getting as my birthday present...
I have zero knowledge and info about Shiatsu Massage, all I know was it is for people with low sex drive life or their sex life has 'died', no more 'spark'. Don't ask me, I don't even know where I read that or may be I watched it on tele. Lol.
Thai Masseuse: Mister, please take off clothes but leave only underwear, only 1, underwear don't take...
Me: *ok...I would probably know even you didn't tell me, although I have not done Shiatsu...
I could not express more, in words about the pain I went through, gawd, I thought it was suppose to feel like a great sex, no?
I tell you, don't judge the book by its cover, the tiny and short Thai Masseuse is not for play, once I got myself 'almost' naked and lied down as to be ready to receive the treatment, she placed some towels on my back and lower.
'Hiyaa' she jumped on my back and start pulling my muscles and pressing on my back...
Well, she's short but she's not Lucy Liu in Charlie Angels, she was gentle at first, by starting off with her palms pressing gently from my foot, leg and then up to my spine and neck and then she started to apply more pressure, the more the pressure the louder I gasped and almost sounded like I was mourning, I was going through the extreme pain.
When she started to change position and re-locate my legs so they are wider for her to climb on me, I was starting to have 'uneasy' feelings, I made cranky sounds and I farted when she was on top of me...opps 'I'm sorry' and she laughed a bit.
At certain points on my spine where she used her elbows to apply pressure, and not only that, she also rubbing it at the same time, making it a burning sensation, I could feel the exact point was smoldering and dissolving entirely but slowly, spreading. It's like you drop a soluble aspirin into a glass of water. I screamed with my mouth opened widely enough to take in the whole chicken thigh, with my face down but no voice from my throat knowing that Bountiful Bel who's having deep skin massage next to me, would be shocked or become traumatic of what happened to me, and with that I decided I would endure the whole session with silence and deal with it. However, I know it's was meant to do good for my health.
Well, it was a great massage, indeed, like having a great sex, a little better than the one you had after a long break. I slept like a baby next to Bel while she did her reading at my home.
Before this, I was suffering from some sort of depression or I-don't-know-what-it's-called sickness, where and when you don't know what you were / are doing in your life period, I have that once in awhile, I lost focus on work / relationship / life / routine. That happened when my mother came back from The States. You tell me, I should be happy, right? Supposedly.
I didn't know what to do, I don't know what my job scopes are anymore, my schedule was a mess, workloads piling, agendas screwed up, I can't handle situations. I just....just stare into the emptiness, blank, like I was sucked into the black hole, my entire life.
I know it had nothing to do with my mother returning for the hols, or she got her green card, I just can't find the source, I went nuts, I stared at ceilings for hours, at times I thought I had mental disorder, and I would be thinking about the many-things in life, I almost lost myself.
My performance began to slide from the month of May and just about last week, I began to pick up again, had a meeting with boss and Ronald, of 'cos get serious attention, suggestions, and warnings. It seriously affected my review next month.
May be it was habit, may be it wasn't, I do not need to be pushed everytime I got stuck or I am afraid to move, I get up, take a deep breath and charge forward, using different approaches. I should be that.
Memories flashing backwards, episodes of life repeating in my head, my mother would ask me again and again, would I go back to the normal life? What!? I am not normal? We can't be normal for who we are? No! I get to choose how I want to live...
Bel: You are among the few of my friends that show different-ness, you came out of the closet but you still practise closet, what for? Your mom knows and you should make it a point, be famous, be fabulous and proof what you're doing is successful and you'll never regret it, Joe. Look at your shelves, not one happy ending or funny novel, you should get a laugh-out-loud story, it's essential in your life, I want to see you smile and hear you laugh again, Joe.
Me: ...and I shall do that, for me and, for us.
I was not paying any attention to my sis when she was talking to me while booking the retreat for both of us:
Bel: Hey brader, I book massage har, *then continue talking softly to the receptionist in the phone 'ah yes, Shiatsu for him please...'
Me: Huh? You called me sis? A what?! Shiatsu! Oh...Ok, if that's what I am getting as my birthday present...
I have zero knowledge and info about Shiatsu Massage, all I know was it is for people with low sex drive life or their sex life has 'died', no more 'spark'. Don't ask me, I don't even know where I read that or may be I watched it on tele. Lol.
Thai Masseuse: Mister, please take off clothes but leave only underwear, only 1, underwear don't take...
Me: *ok...I would probably know even you didn't tell me, although I have not done Shiatsu...
I could not express more, in words about the pain I went through, gawd, I thought it was suppose to feel like a great sex, no?
I tell you, don't judge the book by its cover, the tiny and short Thai Masseuse is not for play, once I got myself 'almost' naked and lied down as to be ready to receive the treatment, she placed some towels on my back and lower.
'Hiyaa' she jumped on my back and start pulling my muscles and pressing on my back...
Well, she's short but she's not Lucy Liu in Charlie Angels, she was gentle at first, by starting off with her palms pressing gently from my foot, leg and then up to my spine and neck and then she started to apply more pressure, the more the pressure the louder I gasped and almost sounded like I was mourning, I was going through the extreme pain.
When she started to change position and re-locate my legs so they are wider for her to climb on me, I was starting to have 'uneasy' feelings, I made cranky sounds and I farted when she was on top of me...opps 'I'm sorry' and she laughed a bit.
At certain points on my spine where she used her elbows to apply pressure, and not only that, she also rubbing it at the same time, making it a burning sensation, I could feel the exact point was smoldering and dissolving entirely but slowly, spreading. It's like you drop a soluble aspirin into a glass of water. I screamed with my mouth opened widely enough to take in the whole chicken thigh, with my face down but no voice from my throat knowing that Bountiful Bel who's having deep skin massage next to me, would be shocked or become traumatic of what happened to me, and with that I decided I would endure the whole session with silence and deal with it. However, I know it's was meant to do good for my health.
Well, it was a great massage, indeed, like having a great sex, a little better than the one you had after a long break. I slept like a baby next to Bel while she did her reading at my home.
Before this, I was suffering from some sort of depression or I-don't-know-what-it's-called sickness, where and when you don't know what you were / are doing in your life period, I have that once in awhile, I lost focus on work / relationship / life / routine. That happened when my mother came back from The States. You tell me, I should be happy, right? Supposedly.
I didn't know what to do, I don't know what my job scopes are anymore, my schedule was a mess, workloads piling, agendas screwed up, I can't handle situations. I just....just stare into the emptiness, blank, like I was sucked into the black hole, my entire life.
I know it had nothing to do with my mother returning for the hols, or she got her green card, I just can't find the source, I went nuts, I stared at ceilings for hours, at times I thought I had mental disorder, and I would be thinking about the many-things in life, I almost lost myself.
My performance began to slide from the month of May and just about last week, I began to pick up again, had a meeting with boss and Ronald, of 'cos get serious attention, suggestions, and warnings. It seriously affected my review next month.
May be it was habit, may be it wasn't, I do not need to be pushed everytime I got stuck or I am afraid to move, I get up, take a deep breath and charge forward, using different approaches. I should be that.
Memories flashing backwards, episodes of life repeating in my head, my mother would ask me again and again, would I go back to the normal life? What!? I am not normal? We can't be normal for who we are? No! I get to choose how I want to live...
Bel: You are among the few of my friends that show different-ness, you came out of the closet but you still practise closet, what for? Your mom knows and you should make it a point, be famous, be fabulous and proof what you're doing is successful and you'll never regret it, Joe. Look at your shelves, not one happy ending or funny novel, you should get a laugh-out-loud story, it's essential in your life, I want to see you smile and hear you laugh again, Joe.
Me: ...and I shall do that, for me and, for us.
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